Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Post About My Parents

Last weekend, we went over to my parents' house for dinner and to finally tell them our big news. They were pretty surprised to say the least but happy over the news. What has been bothering me is this - my parents have booked a trip and will be away from Feb 28th to March 21st. My singleton due date is March 21st but with twins, I could very easily deliver anytime in the month leading up to my due date. My parents will be away for the last three weeks before my due date which means that there is a very strong possibility that they will not be here for their birth.


Early on in our IF journey, we chose not to tell any of our parents about our decisions concerning our treatment. They all knew that we were having trouble - we were among the first to get married and years later, no children even though we have always said that we wanted kids. I also didn't want to suffer judgement from my Mom about the treatment choices we were making - she never would have agreed with the drugs that I ended up taking, the injections and definitely not the amount of money we've spent. She is of the mind set that fertility drugs = cancer but I have always said that she was never faced with the situation that I have been faced with. They know we've been to see doctors and every kind of practitioner under the sun but they don't know all of the gory details. They don't know we've done 6 IUIs. They don't know we've done 6 IVFs and they definitely don't know the real reason why we've made 4 trips to Denver in the last 12 months.


What they do know is that we have always wanted kids. I for one have always said waaaay back when I was young and naive and thought that you could simply choose to have the number of children you wanted, that I wanted to have 5 children. Yep - 5. Everyone else was saying things like 2 or 3 but I wanted 5. My parents also know that we have been trying for 7 years and last year we miscarried. They know this has been a very bumpy road for us and something not easily achieved. They know that this is something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl and that this means the world to me. I have never wanted a high powered career...but I have always wanted kids. They know this.


What upsets me is that knowing what they know, they are still choosing to go on this trip. To me, this is kind of one of those once in a lifetime events that you assume your parents are going to be at. Kind of like your wedding y'know? I thought that when I finally gave birth, they would be there, at the hospital with us to celebrate this event...but instead, they're going to be thousands of miles away. This trip on the other hand is one that runs many times every year and they would have the opportunity to go another time if they cancelled this time. We don't have a big family, just my sister and I and our two kids will be grandchildren #2 and #3 for them so it's not as if they have lots of grandchildren being born all the time. I just can't get rid of this feeling of being let down.


I've contemplated saying something to my parents but the thing is that I think my Mom would want to cancel the trip but my Dad would still want to go and this would cause a big rift between them. They both seem to have accepted that they can't get the $ back for the airfare so they've no choice but to go. I understand that this is not an insignificant amount of money to lose and I don't mean to sound flippant about it but I was still hoping that somehow they would rearrange things so that they would be here.

I should also mention that my sister, when she had her son, she specifically requested that no family visit her in the first month. They live 4 hours drive away from me and my parents so it's not like we could just drop in so we all respected her wishes and stayed away. My Mom just assumed that I would want the same thing but the difference is that my parents and I live just 5 minutes apart from one another and with two kids, I want all the help I can get!!


I am trying to accept that I cannot make choices for other people and I cannot control other peoples' actions and I need to keep focussed on what is important to us. My DH and I will celebrate this event ourselves and my BFF has already told me that nothing is going to stop her from coming to see me in the hospital. My in laws will probably come down ASAP so it will probably be okay that my parents are not there so we stagger the grandparents visits. It just makes me sad that my parents are not going to be there.

The other thing that happened when we told my parents is that my Mom keeps on trying to reassure herself that we didn't take fertility drugs. A little background information here. My Mom is a strong believer in natural remedies. About 15-20 years ago, my Dad was diagnosed with a very bad heart murmur caused by a leaky valve. His cardiologist told him that the murmur was so loud it was listening to the engine of a locomotive train. My Dad was told that eventually, he would have to have open heart surgery to repair the damage and this completely freaked out my Mom. She spent a lot of time researching and talking to people, trying to find another way to deal with this rather than having to resort to surgery. Through supplementation with something called Barley Green and an assortment of other herbal remedies, two years after his diagnosis, my Dad's cardiologist said that he could barely hear the murmur. No more leaky valve if you can believe it. Since then, my Mom believes very firmly that anything can be fixed with the right diet, exercise and supplements.


As soon as we told my parents that we were having twins, the first question out of her mouth was "Did you take fertility drugs? Because you know that always results in more than one". This really seems to matter to her. She has asked us a few times if we did or not and I always reply the same way, that yes, we had help but it's hard to say what the magic combination was in the end because we have tried everything. I am not ashamed that we did IVF but I do not want others to judge our choices. I have asked my Mom in the past to keep things to herself but she still talks about my issues with her friends under the guise that she is asking for a daughter of a "friend" of hers. Yeah, right - like her friends can't figure out that she's asking for her own daughter who has been married for 9 years and still has no kids. This is nobody else's business but ours. Is it too much to ask that the focus be put onto what is important here? We're having two babies! My parents are going to have two more beautiful grandchildren! Isn't that enough?

So, that is what has been weighing on my mind of late. I know that my DH and I are so excited about the kids and we are really looking forward to their birth in 2010. If they're born before Feb 14th, they'll be born in the Year of the Ox just like me! If they're born after Feb 14th, they'll be born in the year of the Tiger. We will celebrate and we are enjoy everying single second. Focus on what's important right?

11 comments:

Sue said...

I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive...but DO NOT let it ruin any of this for you. I am in struggles with my mom recently - terrible ones - and am in the polar opposite position to you. My mom will smother me and our baby and abuse my husband in the meantime. I not-so-secretly wanted twins but am relieved we aren't having them b/c I wouldn't be able to get my mom away (and she takes OVER) and it would have been harder to keep her away with twins, b/c I might actually need help. I have horrific visions of fights with her over things that I am not doing right with my baby. I am going to have to FIGHT to keep her out of the delivery room (not to support me, mind you, but to be the star of the show- as she did at my wedding. My uncle actually advised me to call her only AFTER the baby was already born). So, I understand your struggles...mine just lean the other way:-) I'm just telling you all of this because I thought it might make you feel better. It seems like there is no happy medium - though I hear about it all the time! (and am horribly jealous of those women who have it!)

Jill M. said...

I'm sorry to hear of your sadness surrounding your parents. I completely understand, it would be very important to me to have my parents there for the birth too. I'm sorry you're also having to deal with your mom's bad outlook on fertility drugs. I wish fertile people could understand what we face and go through. I hope all works out for you and who knows, maybe after it all sinks in, maybe your parents will surprise you. Hugs

Emily said...

I know I would be sad too...perhaps they will have a change of heart? If not, I know it will still be an incredibly special time for you and Dh!

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm sorry to hear that your parents don't understand what you've been through and how badly you want this. I am with you, Fertility drugs are amazing. They are giving us the family we would have never had if we had not taken those meds. In my opinion God wouldn't have let those drugs work, he wouldn't have created two angel babies to come down and be yours if he didn't want it to happen. People aren't just created, God does it because its meant to be. He knew we would be faced with these problems, he knew how we would get through them and he knew you would have those twins. They have been planned for a long time and I'm so sad that your mom doesn't understand. Sometimes people just get so stuck in there beliefs that they won't hear anything different. That sucks. I know your parents love you and they will adore there little twinky grandbabies but I'm with you I wish they could be there supporting you, knowing all you went through. I guess we can't change other peoples feelings but one day they will look back and realize when they look at your two kids, sweet as can be, lights of there lives and they will realize that it was meant to be no matter how it came about.

Sweetie, I'm praying for you guys. And I'm proud of you for going along with everything you have to make your dreams come true. Your life is about to be forever changed.

JJ said...

I'm sorry about these issues with your parents' trip and your Mum's attitude towards fertility drugs. If you'd had a choice, I'm sure you'd have preferred not to take them, but none of us have this choice. I can totally understand your disappointment that they won't be around when the babies come. Once they're back, you'll be a pro already. Sadly, I think they will be the ones losing out more than you will. You'll be completely wrapped up with your gorgeous little ones and time will fly for you. Nothing is ever simple, eh? I'm already terrified of being criticised by family members for what I/we do with the babies. I think we all face this time with some trepidation. We will need help and advice, but how much or how little is just the right balance? Sue is right, try not to let this upset you. You're pregnant with wonderful twins!!!!! It's the best thing ever!! Hugs.

Kris said...

I am so sorry that all of this is going on with your parents. I, too, seem to be disappointed with my parents through our IF and now that we are pg. My dad never agreed with us doing IVF and vocalized it several times by saying, "i Just don't like that stuff" and "I don't want to hear about it". Although I know my parents will always be there for me, it isn't the way that I want them to be there for me. I continually struggle with this and try to accept them for what they are. Don't get me wrong, they are great parents and great grandparents, but only when it is convenient for them.

I hope over the next few months your parents will be change their mind and realize that they may miss the birth of their grandchildren and that this will truly be more important than a trip and lost $$$ on airfare.

Kate said...

Luckily my mother eventually shut up about all the "crap" I was putting into my body with the fertility drugs. Even paid for our IVF - totally shocking to me.
I can see how you're disappointed your parents won't be there when the babies are born. It's their loss - hopefully you'll have some good quality time with your in-laws, who'll turn out to be a real help to you and DH. And then your parents can come back refreshed from their trip and take over with helping out.
My Mum always plans trips well in advance, and made a point of asking when would be safe for her to plan. But that meant that she knew all about IVF attempts etc. Your parents having booked this trip seems to be the tradeoff for waiting till now to tell them.
I hope they make up for missing out in other ways!

DAVs said...

I'm sorry I'm so late to the post.
I'm sorry that this is so stressful, I agree with Sue--try not to let this take away from your long-awaited joy. It would be so nice if others could understand that it's not like we WANT to take all these stupid drugs, but to realize our dreams we really don't have much choice. Sigh.
Thinking of you.

Phoebe said...

I know how important it is to feel like your parents support you when you give birth. I know I will get zero help from my parents if it ever comes to that because they are just not physically in a place where they can come visit and help, and that makes me very sad.

However, I do think there is a very good chance you may deliver a month early, so your parents would be there. And you can cherish the moments you have with your parents now during your pregnancy. I am always envious of the women who have their moms to support them through their pregnancies, yet another thing I will miss out on. In case you do deliver when they are gone, maybe you could share the moment by watching a video of the birth with them? Also, can you schedule them now for helping out with the twins when they return from their trip?

I'm sorry your mom does not understand about fertility drugs. I hate that the media sensationalizes the negative or outrageous aspects of fertility drugs. I think I read some really good comebacks on someone's blog when people ask nosey questions about your pregnancy. I wish I could remember where I read that now!

Sherri said...

I just found your blog and read through the last few months. I'm so excited for you! I can't imagine going through all these treatments and finally succeeding! I wanted to ask about avoiding gluten - would you be willing to email me about why you chose to avoid gluten. My email address is sajoyner1@yahoo.com

Linda said...

(baby mentioned)

We must have the same mother. lol My mom is all into the "natural" remedies but there are some things that cannot be "fixed" naturally. To this day, my mother keeps telling me that I got my one baby and that's enough, that I don't need to go back for more. She even had the gall to try to get me to promise her that I won't do anymore IVF or have another baby. Whatever. Ugh. Anyway... I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having to deal with an unsupportive mother. Hugs!