NICU, pPROM & Maternity Photos

Where to start...lots to blog about today.

Maternity Photos

We had our maternity photos taken yesterday and for a brief time, I got to really revel in the pregnancy and just enjoy being pregnant without all of the worry over the past few weeks. The photos captured the pregnancy and all of our joy and anticipation about the girls; thankfully, it did not capture any of the worry and heartache around the subchorionic hematoma, the bleeding or the pPROM (more on that later). I thought to myself that this is what it feels is like to be "normal" and to enjoy "normal" activities that most pregnant women get to enjoy.

I only got to see a few shots right at the end but she will be posting them in a gallery in the next week for me to look at. She promised to air brush away all of my keloid scars for the final prints but will only retouch one or two in the online gallery so I can see and decide how much air brushing we want. I am excited to see them and am grateful that I was able to have them taken to document this period of our lives.

pPROM & The NICU

I have discovered that there is a name for what has happened to me - pPROM stands for pre-term premature rupture of the membranes. It happens in just 1% - 2% of all pregnancies and accounts for about 35% of all pre-term deliveries. There is no known cause (although plenty of speculation regarding inflammation and infection being the culprits) and your chances of having a recurrence of pPROM in a subsequent pregnancy is about 35%.

We also had a tour of the NICU over the weekend and I have to say that I was a little shocked by what we saw. Imagining it is completely different than actually seeing the reality of a NICU. So many teeny tiny babies that look so frail and fragile, all covered in wires and hooked up to all sort of machines. We wanted to tour the NICU prior to delivery to prepare ourselves for what seems to be inevitable at this point. No matter how long my girls stay inside, it looks like there is no way around a stay in the NICU.

I had hoped that the closer to term I got, the less time and the lower the likelihood that they would need special attention in the NICU. I know they will receive excellent care and I know that they are in good hands; this is why we chose this doctor and this hospital. However, I can't escape this feeling that I've already let my girls down by not providing them with a safe place to grow for 9 months. I had my 3rd ultrasound today since being admitted and it revealed even lower levels of fluid for poor little Lefty, the lowest levels yet.

After everything that we went through with IF, I was going to do everything in my power to have the best pregnancy ever. I was going to take good care of them, provide them with all of the nutrients that they needed to grow to be healthy and strong...I was determined to give them the best start in life. Instead, I find myself struggling with the idea that little Lefty is now exposed to the risk of infection and she's squished because she doesn't have a lot of amniotic fluid surrounding her to protect her. Little Lefty is also not able to practice her breathing very well (babies practice their breathing and develop their lungs by inhaling and exhaling the amniotic fluid) and will likely need to be on a ventilator for a while. She will also be put immediately on a course of antibiotics to kill any bacteria she may have been exposed to.

It's all very scary.

I was also reading stories of parents whose kids stayed in the NICU and it was interesting to read because much like you need to mourn the things that IF will rob you of, having a preemie robs you of many of the normal things you would think you get to experience. I likely will not be able to hold my girls right after they are born; we won't be able to share that skin-to-skin contact that they say is so important in the time right after birth, I won't be able to nurse them or comfort them when they cry and I won't be able to take them home with me.

I feel helpless.

Sure, there are a lot of things that the doctors and nurses will be able to do for them, but what will *I* be able to do for them as their mother? Worry? Got that down pat...

For now, the doctors still believe that the girls will benefit from more time inside so I trust them and am trying to keep them in as long as possible. I am also upping my intake of water more than ever to try and help Lefty replenish her amniotic fluid as the doctors did tell me that the levels of fluid could fluctuate.

33w2d and counting...