Monday, February 1, 2010

NICU, pPROM & Maternity Photos

Where to start...lots to blog about today.

Maternity Photos

We had our maternity photos taken yesterday and for a brief time, I got to really revel in the pregnancy and just enjoy being pregnant without all of the worry over the past few weeks. The photos captured the pregnancy and all of our joy and anticipation about the girls; thankfully, it did not capture any of the worry and heartache around the subchorionic hematoma, the bleeding or the pPROM (more on that later). I thought to myself that this is what it feels is like to be "normal" and to enjoy "normal" activities that most pregnant women get to enjoy.

I only got to see a few shots right at the end but she will be posting them in a gallery in the next week for me to look at. She promised to air brush away all of my keloid scars for the final prints but will only retouch one or two in the online gallery so I can see and decide how much air brushing we want. I am excited to see them and am grateful that I was able to have them taken to document this period of our lives.

pPROM & The NICU

I have discovered that there is a name for what has happened to me - pPROM stands for pre-term premature rupture of the membranes. It happens in just 1% - 2% of all pregnancies and accounts for about 35% of all pre-term deliveries. There is no known cause (although plenty of speculation regarding inflammation and infection being the culprits) and your chances of having a recurrence of pPROM in a subsequent pregnancy is about 35%.

We also had a tour of the NICU over the weekend and I have to say that I was a little shocked by what we saw. Imagining it is completely different than actually seeing the reality of a NICU. So many teeny tiny babies that look so frail and fragile, all covered in wires and hooked up to all sort of machines. We wanted to tour the NICU prior to delivery to prepare ourselves for what seems to be inevitable at this point. No matter how long my girls stay inside, it looks like there is no way around a stay in the NICU.

I had hoped that the closer to term I got, the less time and the lower the likelihood that they would need special attention in the NICU. I know they will receive excellent care and I know that they are in good hands; this is why we chose this doctor and this hospital. However, I can't escape this feeling that I've already let my girls down by not providing them with a safe place to grow for 9 months. I had my 3rd ultrasound today since being admitted and it revealed even lower levels of fluid for poor little Lefty, the lowest levels yet.

After everything that we went through with IF, I was going to do everything in my power to have the best pregnancy ever. I was going to take good care of them, provide them with all of the nutrients that they needed to grow to be healthy and strong...I was determined to give them the best start in life. Instead, I find myself struggling with the idea that little Lefty is now exposed to the risk of infection and she's squished because she doesn't have a lot of amniotic fluid surrounding her to protect her. Little Lefty is also not able to practice her breathing very well (babies practice their breathing and develop their lungs by inhaling and exhaling the amniotic fluid) and will likely need to be on a ventilator for a while. She will also be put immediately on a course of antibiotics to kill any bacteria she may have been exposed to.

It's all very scary.

I was also reading stories of parents whose kids stayed in the NICU and it was interesting to read because much like you need to mourn the things that IF will rob you of, having a preemie robs you of many of the normal things you would think you get to experience. I likely will not be able to hold my girls right after they are born; we won't be able to share that skin-to-skin contact that they say is so important in the time right after birth, I won't be able to nurse them or comfort them when they cry and I won't be able to take them home with me.

I feel helpless.

Sure, there are a lot of things that the doctors and nurses will be able to do for them, but what will *I* be able to do for them as their mother? Worry? Got that down pat...

For now, the doctors still believe that the girls will benefit from more time inside so I trust them and am trying to keep them in as long as possible. I am also upping my intake of water more than ever to try and help Lefty replenish her amniotic fluid as the doctors did tell me that the levels of fluid could fluctuate.

33w2d and counting...

8 comments:

R. said...

Wow, I am sure you are very overwhelmed by all this. I am sure you are doing everything you possibly can for those babies. I think it was important for you to mentally prepare for the NICU, by visiting it. I have visited many babies in the NICU and although they were tiny, they were well taken care of and all came home healthy.

Lost in Space said...

You are doing an incredible job keeping your girls safe...everything within your power and then some, my dear. I can imagine the NICU visit was scary, but now you know a little about what to expect if needed.

Hoping, wishing, and praying for your girls to stay put. Hang in there!

Sue said...

You are really doing great. This is so not anything you or your body did...it just happened. In these circumstances, you are doing EVERYTHING that you can to give your girls the best start ever. I am so sorry that you have so much worry and stress...but this will all be a distant memory someday.

My doctor told me that after 34 weeks they don't try to stop labor anymore because babies do so well that the risks of the medicines to stop labor are much worse than the risks of them being out in the world at that stage. So, you are doing GREAT.

Also - a very good friend IRL had triplets a year and a half ago - they were born at a little over 30 weeks. The stay in the NICU was very hard for her but she did all that she could (ran herself ragged pumping breastmilk for them, driving back and forth, etc) and, though it wasn't an ideal situation, all of that fear and stress immediately began to fade when they all came home. You just need to get through this...and you are doing great. BTW...so happy to hear about the great maternity pics!

lastchanceivf said...

I am so sorry you will be robbed of yet another 'normal' experience if there is a stay in the NICU. The hits just keep on coming, don't they?

However, I am glad you're in such a good hospital and you are doing EVERYTHING (and have done!) you can possibly do. Your babies are already very lucky.

Keep your eye on the prize--I know you can do this.

Meant to be a mom said...

I completely understand your worry. I'm so sorry that this is happening. My prayers are with you guys though.
I'm glad the maternity shots went well and you enjoyed them. I can't wait to see them.
You'll have to post a few.

Jill M. said...

I bet your maternity photos are just precious, I hope you'll share a few. I'm sorry that you're facing the nicu, that is something no mother wants to experience. You did nothing to let your girls down, you've done everything you can. Praying that Lefty's fluid levels stabilize and increase. I know you are soooo scared, I would be too, just focus on that you are in the best of hands right now. You're right, this nicu experience is robbing you of some precious moments and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that after IF, just not fair! I'm so glad that the doctors have decided to give them more time in the womb. Toasting a glass of water with you! Hugs

Kate said...

Your babies will be bigger and stronger than many if not most in the NICU. You've done a great job hanging on after the pPROM. You'll be able to do kangaroo care, stroke their little heads, hold their hands, change diapers and help feed them. It'll be ok!
And Lefty has been practicing breathing for a while. And still has fluid to work with. I'm pretty sure her lungs will be fairly well developed.
Hang in there! You're so close to meeting your babies. And taking them home healthy and happy.
Sorry to hear you've got keloids too. I've keloided each time I've had a mole removed. So if I end up with a C/S, I hate to think how that might turn out.

Jill M. said...

This is in reply to the comment you just left on my blog. You asked if we have made any progress on the names. We still only have a list of maybes and definitely no definites, but I will tell you that one of the names you suggested is our top pick on our maybes. =)

Thanks for the tip on the bra extenders, great idea! I think I'll go get some. I chuckled at your "high beaming" comment! Fortunately I work from home so hubby is the only one I high beam. The bra goes on when I leave the house.

Hope you're hanging in there! Pat Lefty and Righty for me.