Job Seeking

When IF has invaded your life, you can't help but think about it and assess its impact on every decision you make. Nothing goes untouched and I don't want to think about it so much but I do. Take this week for example - I'm considering a contract job and all I can think about is how it is going to impact our plans and our FET and a potential future cycle.

I've had my resume out there for a while now with some head hunters that place people in contract roles and before, my travel plans would always interfere with jobs b/c they were too long in duration. However, a role just came up for 6 months on a part time basis at a company right across the street from where my DH works. It's about 20 hours per week but can go up to as high as 35 hours some weeks. The work itself is pretty mundane but this is apparently a good place to work as the company has been ranked in the top 100 companies to work for in Canada. It's big, well established and I don't think it's going through a period of rapid change so a fairly stable environment. They're willing to let me take off 1 week for my FET at the end of June/early July but of course, they just think I'm going on vacation somewhere and I would never tell them the real reason.

It's appealing because it gives me a chance to earn some $$ and it is 6 months long so I'll be done the contract at the end of November, which fits my schedule if I still end up going back to school in January 2010. It is also part time most of the time so I can still fit in my twice weekly sessions with my acupuncturist. Now this is where my thought process is interrupted by the "what if" questions that IF raises to which I have no answers.

What if the FET doesn't work and I have to deal with the devestation mid contract? Will I even be able to function on the job?

What if the FET does work but then I can't take it easy during the first trimester? I know, I know - pregnant woman can work but I'm not like the other fertiles out there and it has been such a long and hard road that if I finally got pregnant, I would want to do everything in my power to make sure I was giving it the best chance possible. I don't think that any employer would condone a mid afternoon nap!

What if the FET doesn't work and we want to cycle again? I wouldn't be able to get the 2 1/2 weeks off from the contract so I would have to wait until November to cycle again and then we run into the issue of the December shut down so I may have to wait until January...and then that would interfere with school.

Little Miss Worrywart - that's me! So much of this is out of my control and I know I have to make a decision soon if I get the job.

My head is telling my heart that this is the logical thing to do - the extra $$ would be nice and would help to offset our medication and travel expenses and if I decided to go back to school, we could set aside the money for tuition easier. My heart is heavy though and I think it's because I associate returning to work with failure. I decided not to work so I could focus on treatment and trying to get pregnant and I still haven't gotten to where I want to be. In my mind, going back means that I'm returning to the same place that I left so essentially, nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. And that is the hardest thing to wrap my feelings around. It would be nice to be Vulcan right now and let my actions be dictated solely by logic. There is the logical choice and then there is the emotional choice and it's hard when they aren't the same.

In the end, I am a practical person and if I do get a job offer, I will take it. Deep breath...I have to believe that this will all work out in the end. Somehow. Some way. I have to believe that.