Does God Forget About Some of Us?

NOTE: This post is not meant to offend anyone who is religious. Please do not read it if you feel that there is a chance that you may be offended. What follows is simply my struggle to understand what is happening and an attempt to make some sense out of it in light of my own religious beliefs.


With the holidays fast approaching, I have been feeding myself on a steady diet of Christmas carols, Christmas trees and Christmas decorations in a vain attempt to get myself in the holiday spirit.


So far, it hasn't worked.


I find myself even less in the holiday spirit this year than ever. This is the first year that I have not felt like decorating my home and filling it to the brim with Christmas cheer. With each passing Christmas, I struggle more and more to make sense of this all and to find meaning or rather, to GIVE our continual struggles meaning. We listen to countless carol after carol that sing about the the goodness and greatness of God and how kind and loving he is (for the sake of simplicity, I will simply refer to God in the masculine). But where do we find God in our darkest days? When he is supposed to be carrying us, why does it feel that we are stumbling around, all alone? Is he too busy doling out blessings and happiness to a chosen few and simply forgets about the rest of us?


I am not a "fair weather" Christian. In fact, I was very steadfast and strong in my religious beliefs up until a short time ago. I was very active in my church and participated in running fundraisers, sang in the choir, served as an alter girl, played the pipe organ for the service, raised money and even sat on the Advisory Board for years as the Treasurer. I tried to implement the teachings of the Bible into my life and although I've stumbled many times, I always tried to be a good person. Then, along came IF and it has shaken my beliefs to the very core. I find my self questioning everything in attempt to find an answer. My answer. The answer from God to my fervent prayers.


Was I not devout enough? Am I such a huge sinner that God cannot forgive me? But he promised redemption for those who repented...so have I not repented enough? Am I not worthy of his love? Is this a punishment for something I did/did not do? Is this his way of telling me that I would be a terrible parent so he won't entrust a baby into my care? But then why, oh why, are the drug addicts and sexual abusers of this world entrusted with the lives of so many innocents over and over again? Surely I could do better than they would? Was I not positive enough? Optimistic enough? Dedicated enough? And why dear Lord did you give us the incredible gift of a baby for 8 short weeks and then rip it away? Was it a test to see how much pain we could bear?


In the beginning, I prayed all the time. I was pretty specific too. I prayed for our baby. I prayed and prayed until we had to acknowledge that we had a problem and went to seen a specialist that was supposed to help us. Then I prayed that the Clomid would work and double our chances of conception. After that, I prayed that the IUI would help sperm meet egg so they could make their magic together. As our last ditch attempt, we pulled out the big guns and I prayed that the IVF would work and one finally did...but then it didn't. We knew after just one short week that our pregnancy was in trouble and then we really PRAYED, both of us, down on our knees, for God to help us. But I still miscarried and then I was really in trouble. How could I explain this to my DH when I couldn't even make sense of this myself? How could I justify this as God's loving kindness upon us when it seemed so cold and heartless?

But I continued to pray after that. I thought that my prayers had been too self-centered and needed to ask not for myself but for those around me. You see, in this journey, I have met some of the strongest women who have endured far more that I. I started to pray for successful outcomes for them and not myself because if I was so undeserving, perhaps the better approach would be to pray for another. Maybe God would listen to those prayers and remember them, even as he forgot about me. I watched as some saw their struggles end in the joy of becoming parents. I watched as more continued to walk by my side, every bit as deserving as I, if not more. After more time passed, I started to give up because it felt like God had given up on me. My prayers were falling on deaf ears. I began to simply pray for understanding. More time passed. I still didn't understand. Then I prayed for acceptance. Give me an accepting heart so that I can start to live this gift of life again rather than remain in limbo for any longer. But I couldn't accept that this was what was intended for us. The last thing I prayed for was comfort. If nothing else, I wanted to feel God's love. I wanted a little slice of the peace pie so that my heart could begin to heal. The only thing I got in return was stone cold silence.

I understand that God is not a vending machine full of prayers answered to our liking and sometimes the answer is simply "no". But if the answer is "no" than why does my heart ache so badly? Why can I not give up on this quest to bring a baby into our family?

So I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped asking for help because none was forthcoming other than the help that I found myself. I am struggling to find my faith in this whole mess. Am I alone here? Has anyone else experienced a loss of faith because of IF? Anyone ever get it back again?

If anyone has a direct line to God, can you please ask him why he won't answer my prayers? Thanks.