Safe Places

We went 7 days without POAS. Then, at last night's family Xmas gathering for my DH's side of the family, the straw that broke the camel's back arrived in the form of his newly pregnant cousin. No one knew except her immediate family and I guess she was waiting to make the big announcement at the party. We had prepared ourselves for this possibility and even reminded ourselves a few times on the ride over but imagining is so different from the in-your-face reality of a swollen belly. As soon as she opened the door, I knew.

The strange thing about it was that she said nothing at all at first about being PG. Now understand this - I have been asked *twice* by two different people whether I was PG when I wasn't and I was pretty upset both times it happenned so my rule of thumb is to never assume until told. A few hours went by and DH's cousin still had said nothing and then I guess since no one was saying anything, she started to tell a few people. I was irritated by the fact that my FIL came running over to me to whisper loudly in my ear that DH's cousin was 4 months PG. I know people don't mean to be insensitive and I have no doubt in my mind that my irritation factor is tuned to HIGH about anything PG related but he knows that we had a m/c earlier this year so why did he come running over to me with this news? I certainly didn't see him stop and tell my DH's sister! Nope - bee line to me. And then my next thought is what kind of person have I turned into that I am completely devoid of any ability to be happy about good news for others? What is wrong with me? Anyway, I figured that she didn't want to make a big deal out of it since she didn't say anything for so long so I was going to take a few minutes to digest and summon up the facial muscles to lift my lips into a smile. However, before I could do that, she practically pounced on me and cornered me in a room downstairs, loudly announcing her news and almost demanding to be congratulated. Let me tell you that Emotional Me was just going berserk. I'm sure that there is no shortage of exaggeration on my part in interpreting what happened but again, I blame it on the IF sensor tuned to HIGH. *Sigh*

I guess the most grating thing about the situation is that they were the last of the cousins to get married and they must have just started trying. No problems there and she's MY age. Of course, they get PG in no time at all and we are still STANDING STILL. It honestly felt like another "f-you" from God himself. Maybe God read my blog and got mad at me all over again and this was his way of punishing me even further? Gawd I am losing my marbles...

I was calling in every one of my tricks to keep myself calm and to keep Emotional Me at bay. I was taking deep breaths, trying to keep busy and then, I finally thought of my safe places to go. I reminded myself that yes, although it seems like no one else in my world has problems conceiving and carrying a child to term, we are not alone and there are others like us. I knew that I could go to IVFC where I have met some of the most amazing women and find the words of comfort I needed to get through yet another PG announcement. I would be able to comiserate with others who experienced similar situations this holiday season and some, no doubt, under far more horrifying circumstances than mine. There is also my one BFF who has been a solid rock of support that I constantly lean on. Finally, there is this blog which was always started with the intention of letting me express these emotions so I no longer held onto them, writing them all down and flinging them into cyberspace for safe keeping. I reminded myself that there was comfort to be found and comfort to be had in the form of my DH and the many of you who have picked me up time and time again and encouraged me to go on. For that, I am deeply grateful.

The other thing that struck me as well was the huge loss of innocence - mine and my DH's. What would it be like to be so blissfully naive again about the whole conception and PG process? How outrageous it seems now that we thought we could have actually planned exactly how many children we wanted and when we wanted to have them - the arrogance! Even if my DH and I were to get PG again, we would live in constant fear of another m/c or something else that could go wrong.

Anyway, my DH and I finally broke down and bought the damn HPT today. It was negative.