Update From the Hospital and Thoughts On Becoming A Parent

The high risk obstetrical team makes rounds every day and checks in on all of the patients here. Today, I asked the question regarding how likely it would be that I would be able to carry the girls to term (i.e. 37 weeks for twins). Right now I am 31w2d. The doctor making rounds that day advised me that in cases such as mine with a ruptured membrane, they usually don't like to go beyond 34 weeks as their belief is that the risk of infection at that point outweighs the benefits of carrying longer. So if I'm lucky, I will carry for another 3 weeks at most. My regular OB (who also runs a high risk practice) will come in to discuss with me what we are going to do but I have yet to see him on rounds. I was also told that it is not just the first 48 hours that matter after a rupture - it is the first week after a rupture when most women will go into labour. If I make it past this Friday, than I have a good shot of carrying for a little longer.

The thought of delivering a 34 weeks frightens me. I'm not sure why and I've been trying to figure out what it is that I find so scary. Random thoughts are:

• I'm afraid that the health of my little girls will be compromised at such early gestation and they may have to spend an extended amount of time in the NICU
• there may be long-term effects on the health of my girls being born so early
  
• I'm scared about actually becoming a parent & I feel some days very woefully inadequate and unprepared
  
• I'm scared about the pain of labour and what may happen (i.e. epidural, emergency c-section) and my ability to make good choices under stressful circumstances
  
• this is likely the only time in my life that I will be pregnant and I feel that if I don't carry to term, that means that I didn't do a good job of having a healthy pregnancy
  

When I look back on Friday, the one thing that struck me is the unshakable feeling that the girls were not supposed to arrive that day - it was just too early. I was envisioning the worst where we would lose one or both of them and that it was all spiraling out of our control. I have since been reassured many times that their prognosis even at 31 weeks is excellent and survival rates are in the range of 90% and above but you never know what could happen and I was just so afraid. To short change them 6 weeks in utero seemed like such a long time during which they would have learned valuable lessons such as breathing and sucking (two of the last skills they learn in utero before being born). In addition, with our roots in IF, you know all too well the feeling of not falling into the majority and I can't help but to look at the "what if" of falling in the 10% as opposed to the 90%.

I wasn't clear as well if there would be long-term implications of being born so early. They were going to be so teeny tiny and at last check, they were hovering around 3.5lbs each which seemed so big at the time but so small if they were born right then and there. I was thinking that 3.5lbs was a great start if they were going to double their weight by 37 weeks but as an actual birth weight, I would like to see them in the 5lb range at least. However, that being said, I have since heard stories and have been greatly encouraged by all of you sharing your stories about your preemies (thanks Andrea!) that have more than made it and have done really well. I just want to make sure they get the best possible start in this world.

After everything that IF put us through, I thought that I was more than ready to become a parent but the closer that day comes, the more I realize that it's something that stresses me out. You see, I think of our little girls as these beautiful blank slates and it is up to my DH and I to teach them what they need to know. They're so innocent. We all start out with the best intentions but there are so many dysfunctional families out there...how do we know we're not going to turn into one of those? At what point are good intentions not enough? I have had several nightmares here and there throughout my pregnancy from which I have woken up in tears that tell me that this is something that is weighing on my subconscious. What kind of family will we be able to create for these two precious girls? Don't get me wrong - I think my DH is going to make a wonderful father and I hope that we will be able to raise our girls so that they are happy and secure in the knowledge that they are wanted and loved. I just worry that something may be lost in the execution of our good intentions, that's all.

Labour and delivery is also a big unknown for me. We're trying to hire a doula (labour coach) since both girls are still presenting head down and I am very hopeful that we will be able to delivery vaginally rather than through c-section (and avoid all of the issues with keloid scarring). I'm hoping that a doula will allay my fears and be able to provide us with information as we need it through the birthing process. For some reason, I am also not comfortable with having an epidural - just the thought of having someone poking around in my spine gives me the shivers. However, at my hospital, it is standard protocol for someone having multiples to have an epidural in the event that medical intervention may become necessary. I will also be giving birth in the OR rather than a birthing room for the same reason - just in case medical intervention becomes necessary. I know that this is a natural process and that it happens all the time but it has never happened to me so I wonder what it is going to be like when it eventually does happen.

Anyway, that's what has been rattling around in my brain today. See what happens when I have too much time on my hands?