New Beginnings

It's the last day of 2008.

Can you believe it??

What a year it has been...

Not entirely what we expected but still good in some ways. My DH and I are closer than we have ever been and have grown together even more than I could have ever imagined. I never thought that someone could understand me so well and unfailingly continue to pick me up time and time again. He's the best and in that respect, 2008 brought us closer together and I am so very, very grateful for him.

I guess what strikes me today is that 2009 represents a new year and I wonder what this year will bring for us? On the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the Ox and I was born in the year of the Ox so maybe this will be my lucky year? Maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that things change for us. I like that it represents new beginnings and a clean slate and I am truly hoping for renewed strength and courage. If nothing else, I want to move forward and 2009 seems like a good year to do that.

A new year begins tomorrow - I'm looking forward to it!

Happy New Year to you too!

Safe Places

We went 7 days without POAS. Then, at last night's family Xmas gathering for my DH's side of the family, the straw that broke the camel's back arrived in the form of his newly pregnant cousin. No one knew except her immediate family and I guess she was waiting to make the big announcement at the party. We had prepared ourselves for this possibility and even reminded ourselves a few times on the ride over but imagining is so different from the in-your-face reality of a swollen belly. As soon as she opened the door, I knew.

The strange thing about it was that she said nothing at all at first about being PG. Now understand this - I have been asked *twice* by two different people whether I was PG when I wasn't and I was pretty upset both times it happenned so my rule of thumb is to never assume until told. A few hours went by and DH's cousin still had said nothing and then I guess since no one was saying anything, she started to tell a few people. I was irritated by the fact that my FIL came running over to me to whisper loudly in my ear that DH's cousin was 4 months PG. I know people don't mean to be insensitive and I have no doubt in my mind that my irritation factor is tuned to HIGH about anything PG related but he knows that we had a m/c earlier this year so why did he come running over to me with this news? I certainly didn't see him stop and tell my DH's sister! Nope - bee line to me. And then my next thought is what kind of person have I turned into that I am completely devoid of any ability to be happy about good news for others? What is wrong with me? Anyway, I figured that she didn't want to make a big deal out of it since she didn't say anything for so long so I was going to take a few minutes to digest and summon up the facial muscles to lift my lips into a smile. However, before I could do that, she practically pounced on me and cornered me in a room downstairs, loudly announcing her news and almost demanding to be congratulated. Let me tell you that Emotional Me was just going berserk. I'm sure that there is no shortage of exaggeration on my part in interpreting what happened but again, I blame it on the IF sensor tuned to HIGH. *Sigh*

I guess the most grating thing about the situation is that they were the last of the cousins to get married and they must have just started trying. No problems there and she's MY age. Of course, they get PG in no time at all and we are still STANDING STILL. It honestly felt like another "f-you" from God himself. Maybe God read my blog and got mad at me all over again and this was his way of punishing me even further? Gawd I am losing my marbles...

I was calling in every one of my tricks to keep myself calm and to keep Emotional Me at bay. I was taking deep breaths, trying to keep busy and then, I finally thought of my safe places to go. I reminded myself that yes, although it seems like no one else in my world has problems conceiving and carrying a child to term, we are not alone and there are others like us. I knew that I could go to IVFC where I have met some of the most amazing women and find the words of comfort I needed to get through yet another PG announcement. I would be able to comiserate with others who experienced similar situations this holiday season and some, no doubt, under far more horrifying circumstances than mine. There is also my one BFF who has been a solid rock of support that I constantly lean on. Finally, there is this blog which was always started with the intention of letting me express these emotions so I no longer held onto them, writing them all down and flinging them into cyberspace for safe keeping. I reminded myself that there was comfort to be found and comfort to be had in the form of my DH and the many of you who have picked me up time and time again and encouraged me to go on. For that, I am deeply grateful.

The other thing that struck me as well was the huge loss of innocence - mine and my DH's. What would it be like to be so blissfully naive again about the whole conception and PG process? How outrageous it seems now that we thought we could have actually planned exactly how many children we wanted and when we wanted to have them - the arrogance! Even if my DH and I were to get PG again, we would live in constant fear of another m/c or something else that could go wrong.

Anyway, my DH and I finally broke down and bought the damn HPT today. It was negative.

The Agony & The Ecstasy

The Agony: Wondering if you're pregnant
The Ecstasy: Wondering if you're pregnant

It has been 2 weeks since my cycle got cancelled and my nurse predicted that I would get a period right around now. Well, actually, she said I should have gotten one yesterday. It hasn't come and the same debate has started raging on in my head - am I pregnant or am I not? We tried ourselves the old fashioned way when I got home and believe me, I know that there is little to no chance of natural conception since, in the 6 years we have been trying, we have NEVER gotten pregnant naturally on our own. Hence, all of the IF treatment! That being said, it doesn't stop my mind from wandering and wondering if, just this one time, we were actually successful??? Wouldn't that be a Christmas miracle???

We thought that since there were about 4 follicles that were growing and that my body was ready to ovulate on its own (we knew this because Dr. Sch had prescribed a drug in the last few days before my cycle was cancelled which suppressed my natural LH surge which would have triggered ovulation), we would just try and see what happenned. We thought we had 4x the chances of conceiving and why not since there are no known reasons why we shouldn't be able to, right? Even the miniscule increase in possibility is enough to get my hopes fluttering up ever so optimistically.

Fast forward 2 weeks and still I haven't gotten my period so the wondering begins. I am in tune with all of the little twinges and pangs that my body has during any given day and each one causes a hopeful little leap in my heart and the question "Am I pregnant?" to pop up in my mind. I was quick to Google my question to see if anyone else experienced the same thing after a cancelled cycle and found out that yes, there are others that went a long time without having a period after a cancelled cycle. So, the possibilities are twofold - 1) I am truly late because I'm pregnant (!) or 2) I'm just late because my poor body has been through too much and is screwed up from all the meds I've taken. I would prefer the former explanation but it is likely going to be the latter.

Sure, I could take a HPT and find out by POAS...but those sticks are evil. I have had more than my fair share of run ins with negative HPTs and I have promised myself that the next time I purchase one, it will be because I'm late. They're not cheap either and at $18 a pop (plus tax - don't forget that us Canadians like to slap on a 13% tax on top of most things!) I am tired of wasting the money only to find out a few days later that yes, it truly was a negative. Why spend the money when patience will tell you the answer for free?

I start looking for other corroborating "evidence". So far, the list is short and consists of 1) breast tenderness and 2) BBT on the higher side for me at 97.5 for the past 2 days.

I just want to know!! Someone please tell me!!!

So I wait here, wondering if the tenderness in my breasts is from a hormonal imbalance of the body or of the mind. Go figure...

Talking To The Big Man Himself...

...and that would be Dr. Schoolcraft!

We had our phone regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft today at 9:30am to discuss what happened with the last cycle and where we were going to from here. It was very enlightening and I am always amazed that you think you know everything about your situation and then new angles present themselves.

First thing first - it is confirmed. Even though I passed all of CCRM's tests with flying colours, I am still a poor responder. No known reason. I filed that piece of information away in the same place that I filed my Unexplained IF diagnosis. For those of you who like numbers and getting into details, here were my results from the 1 day workup, which indicated that I should respond better to stimulation than I do:

AMH: 2.76 (CCRM likes to see it >1 so my score, pretty darn good. No DOR issues here supposidly)
Day 3 FSH: 7.3 (CCRM likes to see it less than 10)
Estradiol (E2): 39.3 (CCRM likes to see it less than 50)
LH: 2.52 (this s/b less than your FSH)
Antral Follicle Count: 14-16 follicles counted by the ultrasonographer

By all of their checks and measures, I should have responded well to the stim meds and produce around 20 eggs. My max on my best cycle? 10 eggs and they were the poorest quality.

I think I have to start facing up to the fact that I really do have poor quality eggs. The first time a doctor said that to me, I freaked out and I spent the rest of the day in bed, crying. I was in total denial that, at the age of 34 (at the time), I could possibly have genetically old and crummy eggs. However, the facts are starting to speak louder and louder to me. My DH asked a really good question to Dr. Sch this morning and that was "If we saw 14-16 antral follicles and that is the number that you realistically expect to recruit in any given IVF cycle, why do we only get about 7 of them?" His response was that the other 7 follicles that didn't come along were already defunct and didn't respond at all to the meds. There was already something wrong with them. Ugh. The first medical evidence that supports the crummy egg theory. Before that, it was only a theory, there was nothing concrete that we could point to that supported this so we willingly and quickly brushed it under the carpet, hoping that there was another explanation. I'm beginning to believe that there isn't another explanation.

Anyway, back to the call with Dr. Sch. We talked about the next protocol that he was going to put us on and that was the other one they use for poor responders - the Estrogen Priming Protocol (i.e. EPP protocol). Since I responded so poorly to the MDL protocol, he is going to try the other one on me so that was good news. Interesting enough, he said that a cyst wouldn't prevent a normal responder from responding well during a stim cycle but in my case, it really did have an impact on things. Ugh. Another nail in the coffin of the poor responder diagnosis. I had hoped after passing all of the 1 day workup tests at CCRM that all of the other doctors had been wrong and that I really was a decent responder, just hadn't had the right protocol yet. However, it really does seem that I will never get very many eggs.

My DH and I briefly considered getting all of our money refunded (you can do that if you don't go through to retrieval, you just have to pay for the b/w and u/s you had done) and cycling again here in Canada maybe twice for the cost of the 1 cycle in the US...but then we decided to stick with our original plan. A big part of the reason why we chose CCRM was to get access to the embryologists and better lab conditions and hopefully, maybe because my eggs are so fragile, this will be the difference that they need. Who knows at this point.

So, it looks like we will be doing the EPP protocol starting with my next AF in mid January and will be back in Denver sometime in February. Cross your fingers this is the magic try! There's something with the month of February for us...both times we got the chemical and then a BFP was in the month of February. Maybe this is our shot at last?

I'm Charlotte - Who Are You?

I promise, this post is not such a downer as my others have been :).

This week, I watched all of the episodes again from Season 6 of Sex and the City ("SATC"), you know, the ones where Charlotte and Harry are still pursuing the rest of their family. I teared up when Charlotte revealed that she had 2 failed IVFs after a weekend call from her RE who tells her that "none of [her] eggs are viable". This on top of her ASA diagnosed when she was with Trey. I cried when Charlotte suffered her m/c and my heart broke when the birth parents for their domestic adoption said that they changed their minds about giving up their baby for adoption and that only reason they wanted to meet Charlotte & Harry was so that they could see New York.

Look, I know that this is only a TV show and that this is not real life. That acupucture session Charlotte had was purely cosmetic in nature! I guess what struck me this time around as I watched the episodes was that Charlotte made a choice. She chose not to be a victim of the crappy hand that life dealt her regarding IF. She didn't stop trying and looking and being open to alternative ways in which she could get what she wanted. Even when Harry was in dispair, she simply told him that they hadn't found their baby yet.

I have not been as strong in my own life. I have turned down an invitation to a baby shower and there was no scene for me where I don a hot pink Elizabeth Taylor outfit and sunglasses and show up in the end. Nah ah. I was at home, hiding. I have also been very reluctant to consider adoption until now, mainly out of fear and my inability to give up the desire to have a child genetically linked to me. Only now do we consider adoption as a means of keeping our hopes and dreams of bringing a child into our family alive as we face the end of our IVF treatment. I have avoided seeing pregnant friends and I cringe when I think about any announcements that will be forthcoming.

The quote at the top by Oprah Winfrey I chose because it was to remind me that I do indeed have a choice, if nothing else, than a choice about my attitude. I find that I am not yet willing to give up my hope. There have been some dark days where I have sunk to the very bottom of the hole but I remind myself that I can always choose my attitude and that I need to actively make that choice every day. There is a time that we all need to wallow, cry, scream at the injustice of this all. I did that. Now, it is time to pick myself up and make a choice. I can choose to be a victim of IF or I can choose to simply reach out and take what I want from life rather than sitting here waiting for it to come to me. Like Charlotte. She created what she wanted with the tools she had at her disposal and she never gave up.

Often it is said that art imitate life but in my case, it is life imitating SATC. I'm definitely Charlotte - who are you?

Does God Forget About Some of Us?

NOTE: This post is not meant to offend anyone who is religious. Please do not read it if you feel that there is a chance that you may be offended. What follows is simply my struggle to understand what is happening and an attempt to make some sense out of it in light of my own religious beliefs.


With the holidays fast approaching, I have been feeding myself on a steady diet of Christmas carols, Christmas trees and Christmas decorations in a vain attempt to get myself in the holiday spirit.


So far, it hasn't worked.


I find myself even less in the holiday spirit this year than ever. This is the first year that I have not felt like decorating my home and filling it to the brim with Christmas cheer. With each passing Christmas, I struggle more and more to make sense of this all and to find meaning or rather, to GIVE our continual struggles meaning. We listen to countless carol after carol that sing about the the goodness and greatness of God and how kind and loving he is (for the sake of simplicity, I will simply refer to God in the masculine). But where do we find God in our darkest days? When he is supposed to be carrying us, why does it feel that we are stumbling around, all alone? Is he too busy doling out blessings and happiness to a chosen few and simply forgets about the rest of us?


I am not a "fair weather" Christian. In fact, I was very steadfast and strong in my religious beliefs up until a short time ago. I was very active in my church and participated in running fundraisers, sang in the choir, served as an alter girl, played the pipe organ for the service, raised money and even sat on the Advisory Board for years as the Treasurer. I tried to implement the teachings of the Bible into my life and although I've stumbled many times, I always tried to be a good person. Then, along came IF and it has shaken my beliefs to the very core. I find my self questioning everything in attempt to find an answer. My answer. The answer from God to my fervent prayers.


Was I not devout enough? Am I such a huge sinner that God cannot forgive me? But he promised redemption for those who repented...so have I not repented enough? Am I not worthy of his love? Is this a punishment for something I did/did not do? Is this his way of telling me that I would be a terrible parent so he won't entrust a baby into my care? But then why, oh why, are the drug addicts and sexual abusers of this world entrusted with the lives of so many innocents over and over again? Surely I could do better than they would? Was I not positive enough? Optimistic enough? Dedicated enough? And why dear Lord did you give us the incredible gift of a baby for 8 short weeks and then rip it away? Was it a test to see how much pain we could bear?


In the beginning, I prayed all the time. I was pretty specific too. I prayed for our baby. I prayed and prayed until we had to acknowledge that we had a problem and went to seen a specialist that was supposed to help us. Then I prayed that the Clomid would work and double our chances of conception. After that, I prayed that the IUI would help sperm meet egg so they could make their magic together. As our last ditch attempt, we pulled out the big guns and I prayed that the IVF would work and one finally did...but then it didn't. We knew after just one short week that our pregnancy was in trouble and then we really PRAYED, both of us, down on our knees, for God to help us. But I still miscarried and then I was really in trouble. How could I explain this to my DH when I couldn't even make sense of this myself? How could I justify this as God's loving kindness upon us when it seemed so cold and heartless?

But I continued to pray after that. I thought that my prayers had been too self-centered and needed to ask not for myself but for those around me. You see, in this journey, I have met some of the strongest women who have endured far more that I. I started to pray for successful outcomes for them and not myself because if I was so undeserving, perhaps the better approach would be to pray for another. Maybe God would listen to those prayers and remember them, even as he forgot about me. I watched as some saw their struggles end in the joy of becoming parents. I watched as more continued to walk by my side, every bit as deserving as I, if not more. After more time passed, I started to give up because it felt like God had given up on me. My prayers were falling on deaf ears. I began to simply pray for understanding. More time passed. I still didn't understand. Then I prayed for acceptance. Give me an accepting heart so that I can start to live this gift of life again rather than remain in limbo for any longer. But I couldn't accept that this was what was intended for us. The last thing I prayed for was comfort. If nothing else, I wanted to feel God's love. I wanted a little slice of the peace pie so that my heart could begin to heal. The only thing I got in return was stone cold silence.

I understand that God is not a vending machine full of prayers answered to our liking and sometimes the answer is simply "no". But if the answer is "no" than why does my heart ache so badly? Why can I not give up on this quest to bring a baby into our family?

So I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped asking for help because none was forthcoming other than the help that I found myself. I am struggling to find my faith in this whole mess. Am I alone here? Has anyone else experienced a loss of faith because of IF? Anyone ever get it back again?

If anyone has a direct line to God, can you please ask him why he won't answer my prayers? Thanks.

Christmas party blues

My DH and I are going out tonight for our first Christmas gathering of friends and years ago this would be something that we would have looked forward to very much. However, after everything that we've been through this year and the most recent cycle cancellation, our hearts are just not into the whole holiday cheer. Even as I type that, my thought is "how pathetic does that sound?" and I realize that there is a heavy helping of "poor us" included...but Christmas represents another marker in the year, another sign post that signifies that 2008 is coming to an end and we are no further ahead in our quest to become parents.

Christmas is also more about the kids and not so much the adults and it is a powerful reminder of what should have been for us this year and isn't. This year started off on such a high note with my first BFP ever and if I hadn't had the miscarriage, our DS or DD would have been a month and a half old at Christmastime. The realization is depressing.

It's not that we don't want to see our friends, we do, but we are living in constant fear that someone will make the announcement that should have been ours to make, blithely ignorant of the fact that it just isn't that easy for all of us. Don't get me wrong, I am not wishing IF on anyone. I just wish there was increased sensitivity around the holidays and an understanding why sometimes we don't want to take part in things. Sometimes saying "no" means "no" to the situation and not "no" to a friendship. It would be nice if that could be universally understood.

I know on the ride down to the restaurant, we will be going through the guest list and telling ourselves that this couple may be expecting or that couple may be making an announcement. We will talk about the probabilities of couples being pregnant based on factors such as 1) length of time married 2) explicitly expressed desire to have kids 3) age of any existing children 4) have they travelled this year and is it enough before settling down 5) age of DH and DW and any other factors we can think of. In the end, I think that we should just assume that anyone who is married could be making an announcement and to accept that this is a possibility.

So the question becomes, how would I want to be told? I guess the big thing would be that I would NOT want to be surprised in any way, shape or form. A straight forward statement would suffice. Nothing cutesy. Even better if I could find out ahead of time, have my own reaction in private and then publicly be able to put a smile on my face and be able to say the right things.

So anyone want to bet there will be at least one announcement tonight?