Secondly, I am still catching up on things I was remiss in doing while I was away in Denver. I wanted to metion and give a shout out to Mamasoon, who I had the great pleasure of meeting in Denver just before my ER. We met at Park Meadows Mall and just sat and talked for a few hours. It was so nice to meet up with another CCRM IVFer and I so admired her strength and determination, even though her cycle was not going as she had hoped. Hugs girl - I'm thinking about you.
Thirdly, Momsoon nominated me for the Sisterhood award which was so cool and I haven't yet thanked her for it. Since I'm weeks behind with this one and I saw it go around the blogs already, if you haven't already been nominated, consider yourself nominated by me. Thank you Momsoon for the nomination - I am truly honoured and touched.
Now onto the subject of today's post - forgiveness. I found myself thinking about this more since my last post and thinking that I had to find a way to forgive others and, more importantly, I needed to find a way to forgive myself. But what does the actual act of forgiveness really mean? When you say that you have forgiven someone, does it mean that you no longer feel any anger or hurt that was caused by their actions? But then how do you stop feeling that anger or hurt that is now associated with that person/action? Are your emotions somehow turned off? Is forgiveness a mindset, a change in your thought processes?
Let's take an example. I have been trying to forgive my sister for her insensitivity that she has continually shown to us throughout our struggles. At first, I did tell her what was going on...I was brutally honest about how it was to suffer through all the testing, even describing to her how awful it was to do a medicated IUI cycle (early morning doctors appointments, dildo cams, daily blood work, etc. etc. We hadn't yet made it to IVF). We also talked at length about the emotional side of IF and how it made me feel, how isolating it is and how depressed I was about it. She nodded, said that she understood, but then when it came time for her to announce her own news, she suffered instant amnesia and told us (IMHO) in the worst and most hurtful way possible. What bothers me too is that she outright lied to me about starting to try to have a family. I agree that it is nobody's business when you start to try and have a family, but if you're going to ask me that question and expect an honest answer, than that means that the same question is fair game for you then. Needless to say, a few short months later after she lied to me, our faces screamed our shock when she handed us a photo frame with the words "insert a photo of your new niece/nephew here on [date]" in it at a family dinner a few short months later. We were completely unprepared. We went numb. Since then, I have completely been unable to open up to her about anything that has been going on and it is a subject that I refuse to talk about with her.
Back to forgiveness - how do I forgive her? I want to...I have tried to...but I find that the old wounds open up every time we scurry around the topics of pregnancy & babies. I tell myself that she wouldn't deliberately hurt me and that she didn't know how insensitive she was being. I remind myself that she is only expressing her own excitement and wouldn't I be excited too if I had news like that? All of these reasons seem logical & rational and it is very much in my head...but my heart continues to hurt. Does the act of forgiveness mean then that your head tells your heart logical and rational reasons why the hurt was not deliberate and then does your head keep reminding the heart until the heart listens?
Yes, I could always confront those that have hurt me but I can only control my actions and my response and forgivness is something I have chosen to do. It doesn't matter whether they think they are right or wrong...if I have decided that I want to forgive, it is something I need to do, not anyone else. However, what bothers me is that there is usually not a lot of remorse or acknowledgement that any hurt has been caused and there are a lot of repeat offenders out there. That tells me that they just don't get it and often, it tells me that they just don't care to get it. I've discovered a lot about who my real friends are and who are the acquaintances in my life. Does this suggest though, that the act of forgiveness involves the other person who caused the hurt to show remorse? But then is that still forgiving or has that morphed into forgetting? Does the act of forgiving inherently involve forgetting as well?
Lots of questions. No easy answers.
Than there is the issue of how to forgive myself. There is not a day that goes by when I don't feel a lot of shame and embarassment (especially when I get asked "what do you do all day at home??") that my body is not able to do the one most basic thing that nature intended. All the parts seem to be there...but they're not working right and they're not working together. Can you imagine if Eve (of the biblical Adam and Eve) wasn't able to have children? If I were Eve, and the future of mankind rested on my ability to reproduce, we would all be in BIG trouble. The Bible would have been a very short book indeed. But I am not Eve and it seems that, however reluctantly, I am walking down the road of IF and I am struggling to find the forgiveness I need to give to myself. How do I forgive myself for failing at one of the most important things in my life?
It's an easy thing to say "I forgive myself" or "I forgive you" but in practice, it is a hard thing to do. I generally do not hold grudges and I think I am a pretty forgiving person but IF has made it so much harder to be that person. So in the meantime my head continues to remind my heart and maybe, one day, my heart will listen again.
7 comments:
This post resonated so much with me. I dont' usually hold grudges either and I am a forgiving person, but oftentimes I think I forget rather than fully forgive. How do I forgive my family for trying to switch the subject every time I bring up something IF related? And the fact that they "don't have time" to read my blog? And, at the same time, they are insulted when I say they aren't supportive. I guess their version of being supportive is different than mine. So, yes I completely agree with everything you said. How do we REALLY forgive and move forward when we still feel hurt from those around us?
I inherited a very destructive emotion from my family and that is holding grudges. We could go months standing right next to each other and not say a word. Fortunately thanks to my dh and a great church, they have really changed my life around. While I definitely don’t have all the answers to these hard questions, I wanted to share that what really helped me learn how to forgive was to realize that forgiving someone was actually for me, to release me from the bondage of it. Holding unforgiveness will eat you alive while the person who did the offense moves on. Also to realize that I can't expect anyone to forgive me if I can't forgive them.
You can forgive someone and choose to end the relationship at the same time if it is an unhealthy relationship. You can forgive someone and not even tell them. I have a forgiveness check meter I use on myself… if I say I forgive someone, what are my thoughts towards that person when I hear their name, what’s my instant reaction? If I immediately have ill feelings, I really haven’t forgiven them. If I’m happy for them whether I have chosen to continue the relationship or not, I’m good.
Many times we feel like if we forgive, we're letting them get away with hurting us. Not true. If you feel this way, write a letter letting them know that they hurt you and end it with telling them you forgive them. Forgiveness was created because as humans, we say/do hurtful things, many times unintentionally.
Forgiving someone is very difficult when the pain they caused is still very fresh. It may take time, but really try, if anything else, for you. Your sister did something very insensitive and painful no doubt about it. She was ignorant, she didn't handle it correctly. If she did this maliciously, forgive her and end the relationship. If she was just stupid, forgive her and try to have a heart to heart talk with her and find some healing. Really analyze the offense from the angle of the offender’s ability to relate/understand what they did. Determining their intention may be what helps you break through.
None of this is easy and I'm sorry for what you are going through. I say all of this out of love as I want you to experience the peace of forgiving. Hugs!
Still so happy for you and Mamasoon for meeting! YAY! Very well written post. I am sorry you went through that experience with your sister. You deserve to be treated better. We all need to be treated with a lot more TLC. To me I think the only people that can relate are our fellow IFers. Everybody else has no idea how much we have suffered from IF. We will always suffer and be reminded...even when we have a baby in our arms. I would personally sit down with your sister and tell her how much she hurt you...before forgiving her.
I really identify with your post. I'm finding it increasingly hard to forgive things. I think our emotions are just so much more raw in general than they were before IF hit us, at least that's what it's like with me. I can be very sensitive and feel hurt much more easily. The hardest thing is the feeling that you're misunderstood by your real life friends and family. No-one can understand what it's like if they haven't been through it themselves. Based on that, I try to tell myself it's not their fault, you know? But when you've taken the trouble to explain in detail what it's like or to write a blog about it, you expect to be better understood. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and hope this chapter closes for you soon and another, new and wonderful chapter begins. Hugs.
Somehow I'm just catching up on this one!
It's an interesting post for sure. I'm sorry about your sister. Funny enough--my sister, with whom I'm usually quite close--has not supported me in quite the way I expected/needed. And it's vague, I can't exactly say why. There's been nothing overt...at any rate, this isn't about me! Hang in there. I'm hoping you get some really good news here soon.
Hey! I am finally getting to read blogs and find out where everybody is at...
I am sorry about your sister- I have that in my SIL and understand how you feel.
The best explanation of the process to forgiveness (and I believe it to be a process not a simple, one time action) is 'the loss of hope for a better past'. That for me, includes the loss of the hope for someone to understand what they have not experienced. (oddly, my sil has experienced IF but seems to have forgotten??!)
The forgiveness that I have found for others and myself has happened as I work on accepting people and situations for being exactly how the are rather than how I wish them to be. I stop fighting and taking things personally.
This does not mean I do not feel, it means that I chose not to hold onto the negative feelings and move to acceptance for my own sanity/peace. I do not believe in the old saying 'forgive and forget' I would say more 'forgive and accept'.
Having said that, I have forgiven people and still chose not to go to them for support/understanding. Just because I forgive SIL I do not go to her and tell her my business, that would be silly.
So go to those that understand, or at least try to understand. They will give you what you need rather than expecting those who can't (not won't) be what you need them to be...
Hopefully that made some sort of sense, it is tough stuff to describe...hope you are having a good day...peace.
awww.. I am sorry. I have no good advice really on this one. I just want to give you {{{{HUGS}}}.
Post a Comment