Today I'm down. Pull up a chair if you want - Crazy is about to start her rant...
Yesterday I had lunch with an old coworker of mine. For those of you just joining me, I haven't work since November 2007 when I quit my job so I could focus on pursuing treatment full time. It is now March 2009 and I have nothing to show for it...at least not externally and nothing I certainly care to talk about with most people IRL. When I gave my notice, everyone was asking me why I was going and my answers were along the lines of:
"I've been working too many hours and this has been seriously affecting my marriage [which it was] so I'm going to take some time off and maybe look for something in the new year" or I'm thinking about making a career change and maybe going back to school".
In my head, I was secretly thinking about all of the doctors appointments I needed to schedule, trying to get into a new clinic without too much of a delay, copies of medical files I needed to get, looking for a new acupuncturist that I'm not afraid of, trying to find a way to get to all of these appointments. You get the picture. I was doing anything but sitting at home, eating bon bons and picking my nose. Of course, none of this truth crossed my lips. I just quietly resigned and went on my merry way. I'm sure some people suspected the real reason why I was quitting but I never confirmed anything - it's no one else's business and I don't care to air out my personal laundry for the company to gossip about.
Fast forward to yesterday - after lunch I ran into two other co-workers of mine and they were asking me with genuine curiosity about what I've been doing since I left the company...to which I don't really have a good answer for. And it's not only them - the longer I go since leaving my job, the more everyone wonders about what it is that I do every day. My sister asks me constantly what I do during the day as does my Mom, my in laws, my friends who don't know what's been going on. Even my parents' friends ask me when I run into them. I am tired of having to justify why I'm at home right now, as if I don't have a right to be here without a brood of children under foot. Believe me, I would rather be chasing after a small child than spending my time chasing doctors and appointments all over the continent.
I also hate the "quick check" - you know what I mean. The quick glance down to your belly area to see if you're showing. Maybe I'm super sensitive but I catch EVERYONE doing it, usually right after they ask me what I've been doing or have been up to these days. God help me on the days that I have a little muffin top going on above my jeans.
I said above that we have nothing to show externally for the past 6 years we've been trying to start our family but man, the scars that run inside run pretty deep. Some days my scars feel as wide and as deep as the Grand Canyon and I wonder how I will ever feel whole again. My fellow blogger DAVs talked about having invisible children in her post and that made so much sense to me, for our invisible children cannot be seen by those around me that continually ask me what I do during the day. If they could see them, they would certainly stop asking me wouldn't they? Another fellow blogger, Kris, talked about at what point does life begin and how disregarding all of the eggs retreived and fertilized along with any chemical pregnancies or m/c would be the same as disregarding everything we go through as couples experiencing IF. She's so right.
What frustrates me as well is the need that I feel to justify our decisions to everyone else. Maybe I'm ashamed that I've had the luxury of being at home without a small child to care for that makes it acceptable in society's eyes not to work outside of the home.
It has crossed my mind to just tell everyone the truth about what it is that we have been going through...but I can't bear the thought of the pity that would accompany such an admission. My past experiences have also not been good with coming clean and some of the greatest hurts have been inflicted by those around me that I've dared to share our plight with. I've even been dumped or frozen out from some groups - like from the first group of former friends that I told about our IF. The lunch where I told them was the last lunch we ever shared together...in fact, I never heard from any of them ever again. They all went on to have children and never called me again. Didn't they know that my admission was a plea for support? Instead, all I got was the stone cold wall of silence in exchange for baring my soul. If it was hard for them to hear about it, couldn't they imagine how hard it was to live? It's MY life you know...they only had to listen about it for a short hour or two and yet that proved too uncomfortable.
Better to know now is what I've told myself. You don't need "friends" like that. You don't need to suffer more hurts like that. So instead, I keep this all to myself and just answer probing queries about what it is that I do every day at home with vague replies like "I'm studying" or "I'm going back to school soon". Call me crazy, but it seems easier that way. What have your experiences been like with telling other people about your IF? Have you been pleasantly/unpleasantly surprised by the responses of others?
For Good
13 years ago
17 comments:
Oh man. I feel your pain. Although I didn't quit completely, for the six months prior to the CCRM cycle I scaled back to only working one of my parttime jobs, which meant only two days per week. Part of it was just because I wanted a break from life and also because I didn't want to be accused of doing anything stressful :) Luckily no one really asked what I was doing with all that extra time, and thank GOD Lee was understanding and supportive of it.
I am really sorry you keep getting asked--I think your answers are reasonable and you're right, it's really no one's business.
Nothing about this journey is easy. Nothing is simple. Nothing is black and white and most of all, NO ONE can say what they would do because they are not living your life.
BIG HUGS
((Hugs)) I get more pity than empathy along with a lot of 'just relax' or 'what about adoption'. I have limited my interactions and I work with almost all men so it really hasn't been too too horrible. i hate this.
I am with you. When we moved to NY I decided not to take the bar here and instead to start a yoga studio. I started teaching and saving and doing IF treatments. We used the savings for the studio to pay for treatments and then I went on bedrest for the pregnancy and that's it. I don't work at all since September and only parttime for the year before that. I always get comments. I also get comments from my awful SIL about how she can't work b/c of two small kids at home and she would TOTALLY work if she was like me and had nothing to do at home. Lately, I've been telling people I am writing a book:-) Or I say I am a stay at home mom to 2 boxers. DH is so happy with the arrangement b/c the house is always tidy, dinner is waiting, and we can actually relax on the weekends...so we are okay there. But I feel useless.
I do sometimes bring it up in company when I know someone knows about a m/c or I get too awkward trying to explain why I don't work. I did it on St. Pats...but I waited until I knew the tone of the conversation and it was with an older couple who was incredibly supportive and cool. Not awkward at all. Besides that, I do the same thing you do. But, I'm getting better at it. I'm strangely getting nasty with those women who seem to suggest that if they had the same problems they'd kill themselves. I just turn it around on them (one of these said this to me last week and I pointed out how I never wanted to have kids in my early 20's, that's just so tacky, lol. She had kids at 21...but she was being mean!). So, I am getting better at it...or getting b**chy...either way, it makes me feel better!
um sorry...long comment. Jeez, I'm using your blog as a site to post on now:-)
I, too, have had my fair share of people who have been rude about our IF. Most notably, my group of 8 friends of whom I have known since elementary school and high school. My BFF stopped talking to me because she "didn't know what to say to me" regarding our IF. There were other issues too, but that was the stinnger. All I wanted was her support and she couldn't give it to me. This, after I supported her with her cr*pppy, controlling marriage for 6 years and through the time that her husband was going to a much over-due AA intervention. I emotionally supported her for 6 years in her cr*ppy life---one that SHE chose. I didn't choose IF, it chose me and for some reason she could not reciprocate the support back to me in my IF journey.
The other 7 have backed away ever so slowly because it seems that they can't handle the...hmmm, what's the right word? maybe akwardness because they all have between 2-5 children each and they think I don't know what it is like to have more than one child so I just don't understand why they struggle all of the time. That isn't it all...it's just that I have a different parenting philosophy: I enjoy my child each and every day and I make the most of my days with him. I don't grumble and complain about him constantly- if he doesn't take a nap, so what? If he didn't eat what I didn't want him to eat for lunch, who cares? If he was sad and cranky all day, well, it's just my job to kiss his owies and love him to pieces. So many of them complain constantly about the "woes" of being a Mom. I have even told them "I'm really not the one you should be complaining to:) That usually shuts them up.
I dont' know, maybe, like Sue, I am getting better at putting peoples woes into perspectinve or maybe I am just getting b*tchy too:)
Wow! That was long!! So sorry:)
OMG! I was looking back at previous posts and I TOTALLY missed that you tagged me in a comment to do the 10 Honest things about me post. Then, I went back and read your post on your blog and I don't know how I missed it that you tagged me! Yikes! I will get thinking and write a post soon on my blog!
I so know what you're going through. I, too, had quit to do the fertility treatments. And ever since, I've found myself avoiding places that I would run into people. But I did run into people, and like your ex co-workers, they too wanted to know what I've been up to. I was just so tired and frustrated from all the personal questions (would a fertile person have thought such a question to be personal? I often wonder...) Anyway, I was finally fed up and told them that I'm busy being a "kept" woman and walked away. You should've seen their faces! I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Many hugs to you.
Sometimes I feel like I say TOO MUCH. I wish I was able to not let it all pour out of my heart. I think more people/coworkers know about our IF struggles than my DH would like. I think that has made it easier for me. I have taken some time off during a cycle and I certainly had to take some time off during my miscarriages. You def. do not have to justify anything to anybody. In a way, I wish I was more like you. I wish I didn't always air my dirty laundry. Now I feel people don't know the real me...all they think about is me who has issues getting PG or who has been doing IVF treatments for 2 years.
I am lucky because most of my close friends here in Massachusetts do not have children yet. But my old friends from high school all have kids. Recently a friend of mine got pregnant and was having issues on how to tell me. She ended up sending me a message in facebook. I wish she had called instead. I hate feeling like they think they need to walk a fine line around me.
Anyway, I totally babbled on here. Sorry.
I know exactly what you mean-I basically quit my career after the ectopic happened- it really took something out of me. That was 4.5 years ago and I, during the first couple of years, got a 'real job', essentially a paycheque without too much pressure, but after the second loss, I just couldn't do it.
Graham and I decided that I was free to choose to work or not and mostly I have chosen the later.
I have at times felt real shame when people (even friends) ask me what I am doing.Part of me, the part that lies, thinks "yeah, what are you doing you good for nothing..."
I upon occasion have just made it up (I am painting, writing, starting a line of pajamas, flying to the moon...) and sometimes have said to G before social engagements "can I just say that I am writing a children's story??"...a collaboration with Sue!!!!
It is super hard. I keep in mind that it is only our society/culture that says that if a woman is at home it is to be a stayathome mom and that traditional role of the man working and the woman doing all things domestic is somehow archaic.
Well, I guess we are archaic. It has worked out for G and I for the most part, and I haved worked on not buying into the shame/guilt/embarrasement. I really don't care who is judging my life from the outside.
Now, it is kind of cool to have the secret answer to what I am doing. Can you imagine the shock if I said that the last week I was signing a contract and getting ready to have the amazing R. try and carry our child??
Seems, by the lengthy comments, including my dribble, that you have struck a chord with us.
That is why I think you and me should start that support group.
That is what we could 'do'. ;)
bierkknill@yahoo.ca
oh and btw, the 'quick glance' has been followed many times by a 'congratulations!!!' or a 'how many do you guys have now' from people who knew I had been pregnant...I also get the enevitable 'knowing glances' during the bloat of cycling where I can tell they are simply too afraid to say anything...they should be scared. :0
Girl. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I cut back on my hours at work to 1 or 2 6 or 8 hour shifts every 2 weeks. (confused yet?! HA HA). I did this back in December or so. At first everyone assumed I was preggo- why else would I cut back? I didn't really tell anyone either- just used the lines "my husband is really busy, I have to keep the bills/house/life in order..looking for a house to buy, etc. etc. When I didn't seem to be expanding...no house was bought...or anything else like that-people started asking. I can only imagine what nosy people are like over a year later to you!!
It is infuriating. I have started to tell people I am just a lady of leisure. That shuts them up b/c there is nothing to say to that other than "wish I was". I like the little bit of envy people have for that split second...b/c I KNOW they wouldn't envy the real reason.
I have recently lost a close friend b/c of IF related stuff- hurts b/c she suffers from IF also. They have tried for 7 years with no result. When the discussion came up and I told her- she was really supportive. I have heard from her once since then. This was in January.....and we used to go out to lunch 1 to 2 times a week.
SUCKS!!!!
Good luck girl.
This is another angle... but aside from just not "getting it" and not understanding how all consuming IF is - and societal pressure that all "able bodied" be employed, I think there is a bit of jealousy in there. It seems like "the life" - waking up, not stressing about work, and not having performance reviews, meetings, and other dilbert like daily happenings... I know when I turned my back on work, it not only confused people, but it made them question themselves a little... I supposedly had "the best job at the company"... and I upped and left to do nothing? It's a little like leaving a group that thinks it's popular... it brings out their own insecurities. Aren't we all supposed to work to the bone and climb the corporate ladder and ask for more stress and responsibility and brag about it?
Sure I got "what do you DO all day?" a lot, but on the other hand when they asked if I missed work and I said, "Nope! not one bit!" I could see the wistfulness in their eyes. The semi-joke was that I "retired". My DH gave me the book, "How to Be a Domestic Goddess" (a baking book by Nigella Lawson)and I found things to occupy myself all day.
One of my clearest memories of dealing with this: I had just quit work and then went to South Africa with a friend of mine and her friend (they knew why I quit). Her friend said something once that was kind of a snide remark, something about not thinking she could do nothing for long periods of time (although she often took many long breaks from work) then she gave me a sad little smile and, "oh, sorry". Later on the trip though she revealed that all she ever wanted was to get married and have kids and take care of them. Soooo - how was that any different than me? And how come she couldn't be more generous about it? The other friend would say, "I don't think I could do that... I would get so bored" - you know what? She did exactly that, she got married and then quit her high powered job over 2 years ago and stays at home with no kids.
So that's my stance - they are partly jealous!Still, I realize that it did not come close to eliminating the fear and pain... but it's more comforting to me to think it's not just my insecurities, it's theirs as well.
Andrea
I so get this post. I feel the same way - only I haven't left my job. But when people ask me what I do in my free time or what I do for fun, I always say ... oh you know, the Internet?! Because they don't want to hear about doctor visits and the endless hours I spend researching all things reproductive. And really, all other things to enjoy in life have fallen by the way side. I haven't scrapbooked in nearly 3 years.
I would quit my job, but I'd be afraid I'd run into these things that you mention ... I know that I'd be thinking that NOW that I quit, for sure it'll happen and then if/when it doesn't ... it'll be even more devistating.
Anyhow, thank you for sharing ...
I sooo get this post as well. I've been a stay-at-home-wife for the past 4 years.
I get emails from friends asking "So, are you working yet, any kids yet".
I never reply to these questions.
It's hard though when they say it to your face.
A few weeks ago an older lady said to me--"Don't tell me you got a graduate degree and are sitting home, what are you doing at home"
Most times I tell people I work for DH, but I mostly work from home.
I feel sad that I have to justify to others why I'm not working.
In reality, my husband doesn't want me to work.
2ndly, it would be difficult to maintain a job working for a corporation because I have to travel (by air) for RE appointments.
However, I usually let them know when they ask that I am not bored--that I have way too much work to do at home to be bored. (In reality, I have someone come work here 2-3dys/wk).
But how we choose to live our lives is our business only. It's sad we have to keep defending it.
Do I want to have a job and earn my own $ -- many days yes, but I also like the freedom and total control of my time being at home affords me. *sigh*
Sorry for the long post. Guess it was a bit purging to write it here.
CM
I have been thinking about this post all weekend. I was a SAHW for a few years & now I tutor part time in the evenings, so I still have a good bit of time to myself (rather my RE).
I usually just talk about how much I enjoy not working - talk about my love for cooking, reading and new hobbies. Sometimes I am open and honest about IF and the time it takes.
Anyway, I am just rambling, but I am thinking of you and wishing you a speedy 6ww :)
I've never taken a break from work (or we couldn't have supported our IVF habit - LOL), but I do still get the questions from friends and family about what we have been up to. Clearly, because we are childless means we should have all this spare time to do whatever we want. Don't feel obligated to justify your time. It is yours and none of their business how you choose to spend it. IF is damn hard work.
We are pretty selective with who we share our IF with. Our parents and 3 of 4 siblings are in the dark. A few friends know with some good experiences and some awful. I think it's a crap-shoot most days.
I haven't quit my job and I tell everyone my dirty laundry, so while we don't have the same story, I can say that either way, we'll always have to deal with people's remarks. We're either trying to get around their nosey questions or having to listen to their "just relax and it will happen" advice. I do think it's wrong of people to expect a reason for not working, it's really none of their business. They can't possibly understand what it's like to deal with infertility, don't let them make you feel any less from not working. Hugs
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