I had one of those awful dreams about being IF last night. I hate having those because at least in my dreams, it is the world of make believe and anything and everything can happen. When IF invades my sleeping world, it is horrible because I usually wake up upset and sad with a huge ache in my chest. I guess when something affects you so much you can't help but dream about it. I should be grateful I don't dream IF dreams every night because then I would really be dealing with this 24/7.
In my dream last night, I was back at school and someone I know that also suffered from IF came to visit. IRL, this person and I had been what I call a "Friend in IF," meaning that we knew of each other's problems and supported each other, right up until she got pregnant and then I never heard from her again. Anyway, in my dream, she was visiting my school and had brought her newly born infant daughter with her. I wanted to find her so I could offer my congratulations and see her new daughter but I just couldn't seem to locate her. I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think I was equating finding her with baby with finding myself with baby. That would explain why I felt so upset when I woke up with a huge ache in my chest.
The part of my dream that stayed with me most was when I was searching for her and everyone else seemed to know where she was. It was like a secret that everyone else knew that I was not privy to. I felt left out, totally excluded from the group of those who knew where she was and how to find her. I felt that my sense of belonging had been taken away from me. All of my insecurities came flooding back, just like I was back in high school and trying to fit in all over again, except this time I'm older and babies are involved. It's still the same desire, the desire to belong.
Will I ever feel like I belong again in any part of life? I am in such limbo right now with no clear direction. With everything that happens, I find myself further and further away from being done. I feel paralyzed, unable to make even the simplest decision about what comes next. I realized today that since we have been delayed due to the cancelled cycle, I now won't be done this CGH cycle + FET until about June of this year. Man oh man...I was supposed to be done in March 2009 at the latest yet here I am, still waiting, still not belonging anywhere.
I have no living children so I don't belong with all of the Mommies I see out and about all the time during the day. I'm not working so I don't belong with the professional working women out there that I know. I don't belong with the students because I can't decide whether I should apply this semester, next semester or even next year for Culinary school. I just don't belong anywhere...
...except that I have all of you. I know that none of us want to belong to this group we find ourselves in so reluctantly but I guess I find a great sense of safety here. Everyone's story is different, yet we're all the same. If nothing else, we all belong together as we stumble along this road. I'm not a freakish, baby crazy, hormonal female. I am simply a woman, searching for the rest of my family and there are many like me who struggle to find the same thing. Like many things in life, IF does not descriminate and I often wonder when I'm reading all of your blogs why it strikes people who are so warm, loving, giving, beautiful, generous and kind of spirit. And that my friends, isn't so bad a group to belong to now is it?
For Good
13 years ago
6 comments:
You last paragraph is so eloquently written. Oftentimes, I wonder who I am where the life filled with promise and hope that I used to live went. I have realized that a lot of my closest friends are those whom I have met online, but never IRL.
Kris
You know I often wonder what it would be like if we could all just move to the same neighborhood together to go through this IRL--because most everyone I've met here seems so nice and interesting and obviously we have a LOT in common. And I totally hear you on not fitting in. I have only ONE friend left (IRL) who does not have kids. And the other day she mentioned that they were thinking about it. And in my soul I know she'll conceive easily. And I really freaked out--because then I will truly be all alone. Yikes.
Anyway, I'm sorry things got delayed. I know waiting and being in limbo stinks. But I am so happy that you have a cycle to look forward to--that's something for sure!
If we could move to the same neighbourhood..
It would be awful. I joined a live support group for women with infertility a year ago. We had some support sessions, practiced meditation, yoga, positive thinking etc. There were 10 of us, we met regularly until some of us got pregnant. Now out of 10 people 8 are either pregnant or have children and the only person I manage to keep contact with is another girl with BFNs. Everybody else is busy with children. I am not sure what's best to be left alone because I didn't get pregnant or to see them with babies.
You are not alone in IF Hell, yet I know that sometimes it certainly feels that way. Sending you a cyber hug.
Hi! I'm new to your blog. I can totally relate to the *limbo* feeling - it is so tough to wait! Look forward to follwing your blog on this journey - good luck with your next cycle!!!
I am responding to your question about karotyping from my blog:) This was this only testing my local RE recommended after our four failed IVF cycles. My DH was done first and now I am being done. Local RE didn't want to order both of them at the same time because he said that it would be highly unlikely that both of us would have something wrong. Thanks for the well-wishes for us in CO! :)
Kris
PS. We did decided to stay at your hotel suggestion! Thanks a million:)
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