No Idea What is Going On - Part II

My doctor doesn't think that this pain is due to an ectopic pregnancy as symptoms do not usually manifest themselves this early and I should have seen a positive HPT by now. However, we are still doing a blood PT and I am 100% sure that it will come back negative with a value of zero.

She was also pretty sure that it wasn't appedicitis because the symptoms should have increased in magnitude and severity by now. That leaves option three - ovarian cyst. I went back and checked my records from the last IVF cycle, wondering if it was the SAME cyst but it can't be because the one they measured was on the left. This pain is in my right. I guess this will resolve itself in a few days but for now, it continues to give me a little twinge here and there. My doctor gave me a request to get an abdominal and pelvic u/s so I went off to book my appointment - first available one is Jan 21st (can you believe it?). My pain will probably be gone by then but I think it would still be a good idea to have one done then to see if there are any cysts that I can't feel.

Warning - here's where my day went downhill...

I made the decision a long time ago that we were not going to tell my parents what was going on with respect to the choices we were making regarding IF treatment. All they know is that we have seen a specialist and that all tests have come back normal. I haven't said anything to them about having done IUIs, IVFs and definitely not about travelling to the US for treatment. My Mom is highly opinionated about drugs and medicine and strongly believes that everything can be fixed through diet and exercise and at the extreme end, there are Chinese herbs that are the magic cure all. I think she would be horrified if she knew how far we had gone and how much we've spent. Rather than have to bear maternal judgement each and every time I spoke with her, we chose to keep this private. I have no doubt that my Mother loves me and wants what is best for me but I truly believe that she would not be able to comprehend what it is like to be faced with the choices that we are faced with and to have to make decisions as we have had to. So, she has been trying to help in her own way and has become increasingly nosy and asking more and more invasive questions that I side step as best I can.

Today, I saw my Mom this afternoon and we were chatting about IF unrelated things and she comes out with a comment to me was about how I shouldn't eat potatoes so much. I of course, ask "why" and she said "well, because, you know, because of infertility". I was crushed. Since we don't talk about this topic at all I was horrified that a) she brought it up and b) she has now openly labelled me as being IF. I don't know why that was so upsetting. I guess it's one thing to begin to admit your inadequacies to yourself in private and another when someone else starts using those words to describe you as well. I know I like to pretend that they don't really know, but it was hard for me to hear that she too now thinks that we are infertile (what a horrible word). Then she proceeded to tell me that I should especially avoid eating potatoes that have sprouted since they will cause you to "abort" immediately. So, basically she is telling me that she thinks that my problems all stem from the fact that I eat potatoes and when I have become unknowingly pregnant, I have eaten sprouted potatoes and have spontaneously aborted any babies in my ignorance. It's so absurd I want to laugh hysterically as I type that but it just makes me want to cry.

All I could think when I got home was that I am so tired of having reactions like this. I am so tired of being super sensitive to what others say and seemingly innocuous remarks can have me crying at the drop of a hat. If being parents isn't what was meant to be for me than please, please let me give this dream up and move on with my life. I am tired, so very tired of all of this. I want to enjoy things again and not feel sad and sorry for myself. I want to attend baby showers with joy, not hiding intense envy for the mother-to-be. I want to stop looking at weddings with such a jaded eye, wondering if this couple will be one of the "lucky ones" or if they will end up like us. I want to stop glaring at the pregnant woman who attends my yoga class. I feel that the closer I get to the end of this part of our journey, I feel the edges of my fingers seem to want to grasp even harder at the dream. I just can't seem to let it go despite my emotional fatigue.

I went home, cried my eyes out and then made a choice to get on with my day as best I could. She only wants what is best for me and I keep reminding myself over and over again.