Superbowl and IF

Why is it that I always feel guilty for saying "no" to events that are guaranteed to make me miserable, even when my DH and I already have plans? Let me clarify...when I say "DH and I already have plans", I really mean that just him and I have plans alone, together. I feel guilty for choosing to spend time with alone with my DH over some other event and some invitations often feel like a summons.

Take for example, my nephew's upcoming birthday party, which just so happens to be on Superbowl Sunday. A little background here - my sister and her family live in a city about 5 hours drive away from us. My nephew is turning 3 and for the past two birthdays, we have always made the trek to their house. Keep in mind that we are also talking about wintertime in Canada and where I live, that should conjure up visions of lots of snow, slippery driving conditions and frigid temperatures. Also, last year at this time, we had just found out that we got a BFP with IVF #3 but our exhilaration was short lived because as soon as we got back, Monday's b/w revealed that there was a problem because my betas did not double over the weekend as they should have while we were at my sister's. I'll always wonder if I had done something wrong that weekend - ran around too much with my nephew stooped over? Sat still in the car for too long without moving around? Anyway, his birthday reminds me of one of the hardest times of my life b/c of the m/c that happened later but I digress...


My sister calls me this past weekend and extends a rather lukewarm invitation to his party - she phrased it as "I don't know if you're interested" (come on - he's my nephew!) and also advises us that they don't have any beds for us to sleep on. This birthday party is also a Gymboree party (i.e. kids in a gym like setting with toys) and all of her friends that I know and have met at various times over the years and their little ones are going to be there.


Mentally, I recoil at the thought of spending 2 hours, locked in a gymnasium type of structure with screaming children while having to field questions from her friends, all of whom are bouncing newborns on their hips, regarding why my DH and I do not have any kids of our own yet. As soon as she issued the invitation, lukewarm as it was, I felt obligated to go, like I would be shirking my Auntly duty if I said no. I knew that I wanted to spend some time with my nephew and celebrate his birthday but not under such miserable circumstances.


Now here's the kicker (no football pun intended) - my DH and I had been planning since before Christmas to have a BBQ on Superbowl Sunday. We enjoy watching the big game together and remember, BBQing in mid February where I live is nothing short of miraculous. I did not put two and two together when my sister called and failed to realize that my nephew's birthday party was that same Sunday. What frustrates me as well is that we are also talking about something a mere 2 weeks away which does not give us much time to get things organized. We were beginning to think that there may be no birthday party at all this year since we hadn't heard anything about it. In addition, let's just say that we don't just "drop in" on my sister...formal invitations need to be received before you even consider going for a visit as there have been situations in the past where I have been turned away.


I stressed about having to call my sister back and explain that we already had plans because she, as a fertile, does not understand how anything could be more important than her son's birthday party. When I finally did call, I was irritated when she insinuated that I should have known to keep that weekend open since my nephew's birthday is in early February. I was beginning to think no invitation = no party = no trip. I also used to keep weekends open for my SIL around the birthdays of her two kids but then we would keep so many weekends open just in case and then the party would end up being sometime much later and in the meantime, we would not make plans to do anything, just in case. Yeah, we stopped doing that after a few years.


I felt guilty for already having plans with my DH, which I know is absolutely ridiculous. I am frustrated with myself that I did not have the courage to tell her about our conflicting plans, almost as if my DH and I as a childless couple do not merit any consideration. Why do I feel that the invitations of people with children immediately supercede any plans that people without children may have? If we don't go, why is there such a perception that since it is "just the two of us" so we should always readily give up our own plans in favour of events for others?

In the end, what I ended up doing was calling her back and I told her that we already had plans for Sunday dinner (true) and would not be able to make the Gymboree party. We thought about it and it's not as if we would 1) enjoy the Gymboree party; or 2) my nephew would even notice that we were or were not there; or 3) play with my nephew at the Gymboree party since he'll be busy running around with kids his own age. I did tell my sister that we would still come up that weekend and celebrate the night before in combination with the Chinese New Year celebration that my parents wanted to have. I only omitted the fact that our Sunday dinner plans involved only the two of us. Does this make us the most selfish people on earth?