Last night before I started officially doing anything drug related to this upcoming cycle, my DH and I were talking about it and I got really nervous all of a sudden. This is our LAST CYCLE. This is IT. Whatever happens, no matter how many eggs are retrieved, no matter how many are mature, no matter how many fertilize, we're done. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this year I want to move on with my life, whatever that means but you know what? Now that "whatever it means" is staring me right in the face, I find myself faltering a bit. I'm not as confident as I thought I was and I find myself doing ridiculous things like hoarding meds just in case we decide to cycle again locally (I know - somebody call the looney bin). There is no way we could afford another IVF at CCRM and if we did cycle again, we would still be stuck and that is not where I want to be in 2009. This is the year we become un-stuck.
After much thought, I came to the conclusion that somehow in my crazy mind, I equate giving up cycling with giving up hope. I'm afraid to do it and this makes me no better than the people you see on TV who are addicted to plastic surgery. It's invasive, it's painful, it involves lots of drugs and money yet they still return, time and time again. Sounds like someone I know - me. How does one give up a dream? Maybe I need to think about how the dream will change instead of thinking that I have to give it up entirely. Any thoughts guys?
I'm trying to adopt a more Zen-like attitude about this cycle and I have already sworn to myself that I will not be a control freak about all of the details (yeah right!). I closed my eyes this morning and popped my first Estrace pill and we are officially underway!
Cycle question for those of you who have done the Estrogen Priming Protocol before - did your AF arrive early, on time or late because of the Ganirelix/Cetrotide shots you took pre-cycle?
For Good
13 years ago
11 comments:
WOOO HOOOO! I am praying for you guys.
I completely understand how you feel right now. I am often struck with that deer in the headlights panic too. I have also thought about being a serial cycler. I always think, what will make me stop cycling in hopes of having a baby? Most likely it will be my DH, LOL!
Take a deep breath, exhale, repeat, repeat. I am here cheering you on and can't wait for you to get to CCRM. Will you be able to blog while in CO??
Hi KJ!
I think there is something super duper scary about taking that first medication for a cycle. it always shakes me to my core. i am a week behind you for the same protocol so I'll be watching you carefully. Good luck dear.
I read your sidebar about "Our Diagnosis". Just curious if you've considered doing the intralipids IV instead of IVIG since it is 1/10th price with supposedly no dangerous side effects.
Good luck! Until proven otherwise, I hope you can believe in this cycle completely and surrender to its possibilities. I am ROOTING FOR YOU!!!
Kris - I hope to keep blogging while in CO. There is a business center at the hotel (4th floor) but there is only 1 computer in it so I will try to get in when I can. "Deer in headlights" - yup! That's how I feel!
MamSoon - They don't do intralipids in Canada yet and it was only introduced by SIRM after we had decided on CCRM. Besides, the recommended tx for our immune dx was to get an infusion (either IVIg or intralipids) every week up to something like the the 20th week of pregnancy and I couldn't imagine trekking to the NY offices of SIRM every week.
Ah, I wrote this long comment yesterday and then blogger goofed it all up and it didn't post. So here goes again:
I completely understand this feeling. We completely went to CCRM feeling like it was our 'closure' cycle (mostly because we thought for sure it would work). My best advice to you is just to take it one day at a time, don't put too much pressure on yourself, and just allow yourself to feel what you do.
I am SO HOPING this is the ONE for you!
soooo relate- G & I on one hand have said this will be our final year of cycling (with me and possibly a surro's womb to double the chances??) and there is another part of me (prob the fierce mama-lion) who can't imagine 'letting go' if we aren't pregnant after all we have been through...(vomit!!!)
I think the only thing I can say is what helps me and that is to focus on each day as it arises (I know, a real cliche) because it is when the 'what ifs' take over- and because of our past they are usually negative- that I start to lose it.
I wish you could see what I see for you- I can see your happy ending- I can imagine following your posts and one day reading that you got your BFP!!! I can imagine your miracle right around the corner.
I'll keep telling you that as you embark on this leg of the marathon!!!!!
Sending you lots of prayers and light...
Hi I can't personnaly relate as have not been there but my prayers are with you. Here's hoping for lots of eggs and a BFP at the end of it all. Will be following your posts and praying for the BFP...your miracle is coming.
I did that exact thing last cycle. Stayed up nights worrying about it being our last cycle, and what if it didn't work? We finally got to CCRM and had a serious talk and decided to leave it open as to what we were going to do...and things and circumstances definitely changed things. We got pregnant...but then lost it, so how could I give up now? I am a total IF addict. Oh well...
Same thing happens to me when starting an IVF cycle. I get so stressed out and panic. I think that's normal considering we know what we're about to embark on.
Going into a cycle knowing it will be your last is a horrible feeling. It puts way too much stress on the entire process. Give yourself some alternative options if this cycle was to not work out so you don't feel like you're at the end of the road.
Congrats on popping your first pill! Good luck!!!
I've never done EPP, but I wish you the best of luck and that everything that should happen does happen for you on time. Do you hear that AF? Come when you're supposed to! :)
I truly, deeply, whole-heartedly hope hope hope this is it for you - that you will get your miracle. I want that for you so bad. Sending you a great big cyber hug.
I so hope you will be able to post while you are in CO! I will go into withdrawls if you aren't able too, yikes!! :) Wishing you the best and a safe flight!!
Kris
Post a Comment